life

My life with anxiety

According to Vocabulary.com anxiety is: the vague, uneasy feeling you get when you’re dreading something. Anxiety can also be a permanent state of nervousness that some people with mental illnesses experience, a kind of milder version of panic.

The sort of anxiety I have is the mental illness kind, which gradually developed after I was diagnosed with depression. This causes me many issues, some which crop up daily and these include:

  • Panicking if the phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognise or a withheld number.
  • I have a big fear of the dark and can’t go out at night on my own due to also fearing people and their intentions that I come across when I’m outside. I also don’t sleep too good but I can sleep through the day as I feel much safer once the sun is up.
  • I have to sleep with the TV on so that I can listen to the sounds rather than my own inner thoughts that usually are me worrying about the stupidest of things.
  • I constantly think about situations that happened years ago and about what I could have changed about them.
  • The thought of presentations is extremely daunting and if I have one coming up I will worry for weeks on end before it and also during.
  • If I’m in a public place such as a shop I get panic attacks. The lights turn bright and I feel weak and my head spins. I feel like I’m not really there or in control.
  • OCD also comes hand in hand with anxiety sometimes and I have many symptoms of this including the fact that I can only watch the TV if the volume is on an even number.
  • If it’s dark and a car pulls up in my street I will have heart palpations until it leaves or until I hear the driver enter their house, so I am sure that they are not coming to burgle my house or rape and murder me.
  • I get constant chest pains that make me feel like and believe I am having a heart attack.
  • I live an overly cautious life and also expect my partner to as well. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs and the thought of someone close to me smoking gives me nightmares.
  • If I have a job then when I’m working I’m worrying that I’m doing everything wrong and then when I’m not working I’m worrying about the next shift at work.
  • I have to travel to university and this can cause me many panic attacks. I will also take notice of everyone on the platforms and on the train and notice people that I deem ‘dodgy’ or ‘scary’ and will purposely steer clear.

Plus much more!

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