life, mum

Miss Doormat

I am actually fed up of putting everyone else first now. I let my happiness ride on other people’s and I need to stop. Being selfless is fine when other people are selfless towards you too, but I do everything for everyone else and receive nothing back.

My partner, for example, I will always treat when I go out. I will bring him back a cake or a milkshake whenever I go to town. When we go for lunch he will tell me he’s hungry, but then when we get there he will then say ‘I’m not buying anything,’ and me, feeling guilty, ends up ordering for him anyway and taking on the bill despite him making over 5x my wage. He doesn’t really treat me though, or he does, but not very often. He will say something like ‘would you like a fizzy drink or something from the shops?’ and if I say yes, he will then proceed to ask me where my purse is.

Then my mum is the person I will literally do anything for. She points out something in a shop she really likes, I go back the next day and buy it for her to surprise her, irrelevant of the cost. She’s struggling for money, that’s okay, I’m the bank of Lauren. When we go out for lunch, don’t worry, it’s my treat. But yet this is what happens when I need a lift:
lm_LI

And I know it looks like it’s over something really little, but in reality it’s not, because what people don’t realise (although my mum is fully aware,) is that I suffer from anxiety so bad that I can’t leave the house on my own most days.

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life, Uncategorized

Sleepless Hotel

On the 29th of November, a friend and I spent the night in a hotel in Bath after going to a poetry event. It was meant to be a lovely evening – dinner together, poetry and then gossiping before going to sleep. The day started off amazing, other than the bitter wind burning our fingers as we tried deciphering the sat nav on my phone, but it all went downhill once we settled down for the night in the hotel. After discovering that we share the same favourite film (The Lion King,) we decided to put it on and have a little sing along. We were both laughing and singing along, when we heard a load of banging from the hallway. Two drunk people staggering to their room. All we could hear was the lady shouting ‘lock the door. Lock the door’ and within seconds we were listening to what could only be described as an amateur porno. I have never heard a lady moaning so loud in all of my life and I don’t mean as she orgasmed, I mean from start to finish! Fake, disgusting moans. To top it all off, it started just as Mufasa dies (spoiler there if you haven’t seen the film, sorry!) which makes me cry every single time and they totally ruined it for me. There was loads of banging happening at the same time too, like they were banging against walls, the floor, whatever, you name it. We had to pause the film so many times that half an hour later, we were still at the same scene. And then it finally stopped and went quiet. For five minutes. And then it started up AGAIN! A woman moaning as loud as possible, the guy swearing constantly. I didn’t know whether to barge into their room and punch their lights out or break down and cry with frustration. It was nearly midnight at this point and I had to get up for uni the next morning. They totally were wrecking my night and these vile people had no respect for anyone else. We tried phoning reception but we couldn’t get through, so instead we called out for them to shut up, which helped the situation quieten down for all of two seconds. They didn’t know who was in the room next to them, how did they know that there weren’t little children in our room? Little children who had to listen to them? How would a parent have explained that to their children? The only other excuse I can think of is that someone is being murdered and that answer is no better to tell a little child. We finally managed to fall asleep and when I woke up my friend was sat in bed on her laptop. “Why are you up so early?” Turned out she’d woken up them having sex AGAIN at 4am. I feel nothing but hate towards these vile people. They wrecked my favourite movie, kept up awake and had no respect for anyone else. So selfish. I had hoped that when we left our room that morning that we’d bump into them as we left, so we could give them a piece of our minds, but no such luck. I hope they both feel ashamed of themselves and I would call the lady a whore, but that name is too good for her!

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animals, life

Sleep Tight Mr Pigeon

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So on Friday when my mum was walking home from work she came across this pigeon who had just been attacked by a cat. It had blood dripping from it, feathers surrounding it and it couldn’t fly. She sat on the ground next to it to protect it and rang me to come and help. I grabbed the cat carrier and came running down the road to save it.

I managed to catch it and shut it in the carrier. I could see that it had fang marks on it’s back between it’s wings and one eye missing. I took it straight to the vets for a check up where they found out that it had no broken bones but there was a big gash under one of it’s wings which they would need to look at.

I went home feeling happy that this pigeon had a chance but I rang up the next day to check on him and they had put him to sleep due to the gash under the wing. It had done more damage than they’d first realised and wouldn’t have been able to fly again.

I wish I could have saved him and pretty upset that I couldn’t but R.I.P Mr Pigeon.

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life

My life with anxiety

According to Vocabulary.com anxiety is: the vague, uneasy feeling you get when you’re dreading something. Anxiety can also be a permanent state of nervousness that some people with mental illnesses experience, a kind of milder version of panic.

The sort of anxiety I have is the mental illness kind, which gradually developed after I was diagnosed with depression. This causes me many issues, some which crop up daily and these include:

  • Panicking if the phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognise or a withheld number.
  • I have a big fear of the dark and can’t go out at night on my own due to also fearing people and their intentions that I come across when I’m outside. I also don’t sleep too good but I can sleep through the day as I feel much safer once the sun is up.
  • I have to sleep with the TV on so that I can listen to the sounds rather than my own inner thoughts that usually are me worrying about the stupidest of things.
  • I constantly think about situations that happened years ago and about what I could have changed about them.
  • The thought of presentations is extremely daunting and if I have one coming up I will worry for weeks on end before it and also during.
  • If I’m in a public place such as a shop I get panic attacks. The lights turn bright and I feel weak and my head spins. I feel like I’m not really there or in control.
  • OCD also comes hand in hand with anxiety sometimes and I have many symptoms of this including the fact that I can only watch the TV if the volume is on an even number.
  • If it’s dark and a car pulls up in my street I will have heart palpations until it leaves or until I hear the driver enter their house, so I am sure that they are not coming to burgle my house or rape and murder me.
  • I get constant chest pains that make me feel like and believe I am having a heart attack.
  • I live an overly cautious life and also expect my partner to as well. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs and the thought of someone close to me smoking gives me nightmares.
  • If I have a job then when I’m working I’m worrying that I’m doing everything wrong and then when I’m not working I’m worrying about the next shift at work.
  • I have to travel to university and this can cause me many panic attacks. I will also take notice of everyone on the platforms and on the train and notice people that I deem ‘dodgy’ or ‘scary’ and will purposely steer clear.

Plus much more!

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life, mum

Sometimes haven’t a cool mum isn’t so cool

My boyfriend has always said that he would much prefer a mum like mine to his, as his mum is very protective and mine is much more easy going and wanting me to get out and do things. She is in her 40s and just beginning to live her life now after having me at a young age and then being in a long term relationship, whereas his mum is settled down and married. Although there are so many benefits to a mum like mine, the weekends where Mum lets loose by going out and drinking with her mates can be a royal pain in the ass. Before she goes out there is a ton of asking me if she looks fat, checking her makeup, telling her what shoes go best, helping her pick out her jewellery etc and by the time she leaves I am exhausted. Tonight she came home drunk, talking loudly, walked upstairs to my bed and went to sleep on my arm. I sat in the same position until she woke up. She then decided she felt sick so I had to lock up the house, so I went downstairs and put the cats outside and locked up and went to go back to bed. But then she realised she didn’t have her phone so I had to go back downstairs to get her phone which she said was in her bag, but it wasn’t. Turned out it was in a different bag which she doesn’t normally use so I wouldn’t have known to look in it. Finally, I go to bed. Ten minutes later a missed phone call from my mum. I call out her name but she doesn’t reply so I tiredly get out of bed and go to her room where she is led in bed squinting at the bright screen of her phone. I ask her what she wants and turns out she ‘pressed the wrong button.’

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life, Uncategorized

The Silent Witnesses

I have just had a video pop up on my Facebook with a girl being beaten up on public transport. The worst part was the fact a witness filmed the whole incident and there were many more people there, yet no one stepped in to help the poor girl.

Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario and I’m saying this from experience. Less than a year ago I was sexually assaulted on a train coming home from university. The male in question had me pinned to the side of the train trying to kiss me, tried putting his hand between my legs and even grabbed my hand and shoved it in his mouth. I shouted at him to stop. I shouted ‘no.’ People were looking – in fact the train was completely packed full of people, yet no one tried to help me. I went to the police, who had CCTV evidence but it only showed the tops of our heads because of the placement of the camera and no witnesses came forward. Due to this he completely got away with it, as the case was dropped due to ‘lack of evidence’ despite the DNA samples I gave.

Unbeknownst to him I actually suffer from depression and anxiety, so what he did completely broke me. I got nightmares that he was going to track me down and kill me and the thought of getting on another train left me with panic attacks. It took about a month for me to get back on a train as I had no other choice – I would have failed university otherwise and I couldn’t let him control my life. I still shake now when I’m on the train and never feel safe until I am off it and in my boyfriend’s car.

I hate him for what he did to me, but it isn’t just him that I remember. I still remember the faces of the people who stood by and did nothing. My dad was actually angrier at the witnesses than the guy, as they were the people who were meant to have morals and know right from wrong. He often states ‘what if it had been their child? How would they feel if a whole crowd of people sat back and allowed that to happen to their child?’ Are they just as guilty?

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life, sad

Feeling used

We all have that one friend don’t we? The one where friendships are only important if there is no guy on the scene.
She was my best friend in school and I had no doubts at all that she would be in my life forever. We were so close and did everything together. Once school was over we both went off to college and she met a guy there. I soon became a part of the background sharing texts every so often and nothing more. Two years later she went off to university and they got engaged. She came back home for a few days and messaged asking to meet up. I was straight round her house and we didn’t leave each other’s side for two days. It was just like old times. She went back and then a few weeks later was home again asking me to come over. Turns out that her boyfriend cheated on her and they’d split so she was only in need of me during the rocky patch. We were seeing each other every single day and then she went all quiet. About a week later her relationship status changed to in a relationship with this new guy and I haven’t heard from her since!
Definitely feeling like a doormat.

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