life

My life with anxiety

According to Vocabulary.com anxiety is: the vague, uneasy feeling you get when you’re dreading something. Anxiety can also be a permanent state of nervousness that some people with mental illnesses experience, a kind of milder version of panic.

The sort of anxiety I have is the mental illness kind, which gradually developed after I was diagnosed with depression. This causes me many issues, some which crop up daily and these include:

  • Panicking if the phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognise or a withheld number.
  • I have a big fear of the dark and can’t go out at night on my own due to also fearing people and their intentions that I come across when I’m outside. I also don’t sleep too good but I can sleep through the day as I feel much safer once the sun is up.
  • I have to sleep with the TV on so that I can listen to the sounds rather than my own inner thoughts that usually are me worrying about the stupidest of things.
  • I constantly think about situations that happened years ago and about what I could have changed about them.
  • The thought of presentations is extremely daunting and if I have one coming up I will worry for weeks on end before it and also during.
  • If I’m in a public place such as a shop I get panic attacks. The lights turn bright and I feel weak and my head spins. I feel like I’m not really there or in control.
  • OCD also comes hand in hand with anxiety sometimes and I have many symptoms of this including the fact that I can only watch the TV if the volume is on an even number.
  • If it’s dark and a car pulls up in my street I will have heart palpations until it leaves or until I hear the driver enter their house, so I am sure that they are not coming to burgle my house or rape and murder me.
  • I get constant chest pains that make me feel like and believe I am having a heart attack.
  • I live an overly cautious life and also expect my partner to as well. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs and the thought of someone close to me smoking gives me nightmares.
  • If I have a job then when I’m working I’m worrying that I’m doing everything wrong and then when I’m not working I’m worrying about the next shift at work.
  • I have to travel to university and this can cause me many panic attacks. I will also take notice of everyone on the platforms and on the train and notice people that I deem ‘dodgy’ or ‘scary’ and will purposely steer clear.

Plus much more!

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life, mum

Sometimes haven’t a cool mum isn’t so cool

My boyfriend has always said that he would much prefer a mum like mine to his, as his mum is very protective and mine is much more easy going and wanting me to get out and do things. She is in her 40s and just beginning to live her life now after having me at a young age and then being in a long term relationship, whereas his mum is settled down and married. Although there are so many benefits to a mum like mine, the weekends where Mum lets loose by going out and drinking with her mates can be a royal pain in the ass. Before she goes out there is a ton of asking me if she looks fat, checking her makeup, telling her what shoes go best, helping her pick out her jewellery etc and by the time she leaves I am exhausted. Tonight she came home drunk, talking loudly, walked upstairs to my bed and went to sleep on my arm. I sat in the same position until she woke up. She then decided she felt sick so I had to lock up the house, so I went downstairs and put the cats outside and locked up and went to go back to bed. But then she realised she didn’t have her phone so I had to go back downstairs to get her phone which she said was in her bag, but it wasn’t. Turned out it was in a different bag which she doesn’t normally use so I wouldn’t have known to look in it. Finally, I go to bed. Ten minutes later a missed phone call from my mum. I call out her name but she doesn’t reply so I tiredly get out of bed and go to her room where she is led in bed squinting at the bright screen of her phone. I ask her what she wants and turns out she ‘pressed the wrong button.’

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life, Uncategorized

The Silent Witnesses

I have just had a video pop up on my Facebook with a girl being beaten up on public transport. The worst part was the fact a witness filmed the whole incident and there were many more people there, yet no one stepped in to help the poor girl.

Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario and I’m saying this from experience. Less than a year ago I was sexually assaulted on a train coming home from university. The male in question had me pinned to the side of the train trying to kiss me, tried putting his hand between my legs and even grabbed my hand and shoved it in his mouth. I shouted at him to stop. I shouted ‘no.’ People were looking – in fact the train was completely packed full of people, yet no one tried to help me. I went to the police, who had CCTV evidence but it only showed the tops of our heads because of the placement of the camera and no witnesses came forward. Due to this he completely got away with it, as the case was dropped due to ‘lack of evidence’ despite the DNA samples I gave.

Unbeknownst to him I actually suffer from depression and anxiety, so what he did completely broke me. I got nightmares that he was going to track me down and kill me and the thought of getting on another train left me with panic attacks. It took about a month for me to get back on a train as I had no other choice – I would have failed university otherwise and I couldn’t let him control my life. I still shake now when I’m on the train and never feel safe until I am off it and in my boyfriend’s car.

I hate him for what he did to me, but it isn’t just him that I remember. I still remember the faces of the people who stood by and did nothing. My dad was actually angrier at the witnesses than the guy, as they were the people who were meant to have morals and know right from wrong. He often states ‘what if it had been their child? How would they feel if a whole crowd of people sat back and allowed that to happen to their child?’ Are they just as guilty?

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life, sad

Feeling used

We all have that one friend don’t we? The one where friendships are only important if there is no guy on the scene.
She was my best friend in school and I had no doubts at all that she would be in my life forever. We were so close and did everything together. Once school was over we both went off to college and she met a guy there. I soon became a part of the background sharing texts every so often and nothing more. Two years later she went off to university and they got engaged. She came back home for a few days and messaged asking to meet up. I was straight round her house and we didn’t leave each other’s side for two days. It was just like old times. She went back and then a few weeks later was home again asking me to come over. Turns out that her boyfriend cheated on her and they’d split so she was only in need of me during the rocky patch. We were seeing each other every single day and then she went all quiet. About a week later her relationship status changed to in a relationship with this new guy and I haven’t heard from her since!
Definitely feeling like a doormat.

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halloween

Halloween Anxiety

So yesterday my sister dressed up as a corpse bride and I took her trick or treating around our local area. A few houses in we knocked on one door and waited and a lady opened the letter box, looked straight at my sister and shook her head ‘no thank you.’ My sister’s confidence was knocked straight away and she was so upset and embarrassed that she wanted to go home – she was nervous enough about knocking on random doors as it was. I knocked on the doors after for her but she still had lost the magical feeling and wasn’t into it anymore. One kind lady even gave her extra sweets in apology for the lady that knocked her back. Please consider the confidence of kids! I would much rather you ignore the door than answer it and embarrass my sister.

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animals

Being sad about Cecil the lion doesn’t make me a hypocrite

I am so sad to read so many people who are vegan claiming that non-vegans have no right to mourn the loss of Cecil the lion, as it makes us hypocritical. I am here to express my opinion of my beliefs and stick up for what I believe in – I don’t want any hate for it, I just want people to understand.

I eat meat, but the hunting of Cecil the lion was very upsetting for me. I actually am qualified to work with animals – I have worked at a vets, on a farm and even went to South Africa where I experienced working with the animals at Shamwari Game Reserve – whilst I was there I managed to find and dispose of three animal traps. I stick up for animals rights, signed many petitions over my lifetime including to stop the hunting of foxes and the destruction of animal habitats. I’ve applied to foster cats and kittens, although my house wasn’t considered suitable for it due to not having a spare bedroom. I have saved birds from the jaws of my cats – I even nursed one back to health. I built it a nest out of shredded paper and fed it. I have helped a dog give birth to puppies and sat with a runaway dog for over two hours waiting for the dog warden to get it and find the owners. Do you still think I’m a bad person?

I do not help animals because it’s the right thing to do, I help them because I want to and because I care. I have a conscience and eating meat does not make me any less of a person. People have eaten meat since the beginning of time, people have used fur to keep warm since the beginning of time. I pay extra for my food, because I always buy food that is ‘free range’ meaning the animal was kept in really good conditions throughout it’s life. I don’t think eating meat is wrong. What I think is wrong is killing animals for the fun of it. Who has the right to go out and kill an animal just because it would look nice as a rug on the floor? Who has the right to kill a tiger for it’s bones as herbal medicine, which isn’t even proven to work? Who has the right to test on animals – lead them to a life of misery until they’re disposed of when there are alternative methods and more then half of the time the results aren’t accurate anyway? Who has the right to lead rhinos to the point of extinction? Who has the right to kill an elephant for it’s tusks to ‘make some money’?

Why are you choosing to mourn the loss of Cecil? I choose to mourn the loss because I don’t understand how there is any good reason for what happened to him and I CERTAINLY DON’T agree with the methods of killing. He was shot with a bow and arrow and was eventually killed 40 hours later and nothing could be worth the suffering he went through. Just like me, Cecil eats meat and yet you still choose to mourn him, how is a lion any better?

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life

Losing Two Parents

So my Nan died yesterday, which I have mentioned in the post before. She was my Dad’s mum and he grew up without a father in his life. About a year or more ago he applied to the Show ‘Long Lost Family’ to track down his father. He was contacted today by the show to tell him that they have found his Dad.. But he basically doesn’t want to know, although he admits he is aware of my dad’s existence. I am so angry at how he could walk away with his own child and when he gets tracked down just run. My dad has lost two parents this week!

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