life, mum

Miss Doormat

I am actually fed up of putting everyone else first now. I let my happiness ride on other people’s and I need to stop. Being selfless is fine when other people are selfless towards you too, but I do everything for everyone else and receive nothing back.

My partner, for example, I will always treat when I go out. I will bring him back a cake or a milkshake whenever I go to town. When we go for lunch he will tell me he’s hungry, but then when we get there he will then say ‘I’m not buying anything,’ and me, feeling guilty, ends up ordering for him anyway and taking on the bill despite him making over 5x my wage. He doesn’t really treat me though, or he does, but not very often. He will say something like ‘would you like a fizzy drink or something from the shops?’ and if I say yes, he will then proceed to ask me where my purse is.

Then my mum is the person I will literally do anything for. She points out something in a shop she really likes, I go back the next day and buy it for her to surprise her, irrelevant of the cost. She’s struggling for money, that’s okay, I’m the bank of Lauren. When we go out for lunch, don’t worry, it’s my treat. But yet this is what happens when I need a lift:
lm_LI

And I know it looks like it’s over something really little, but in reality it’s not, because what people don’t realise (although my mum is fully aware,) is that I suffer from anxiety so bad that I can’t leave the house on my own most days.

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life

My life with anxiety

According to Vocabulary.com anxiety is: the vague, uneasy feeling you get when you’re dreading something. Anxiety can also be a permanent state of nervousness that some people with mental illnesses experience, a kind of milder version of panic.

The sort of anxiety I have is the mental illness kind, which gradually developed after I was diagnosed with depression. This causes me many issues, some which crop up daily and these include:

  • Panicking if the phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognise or a withheld number.
  • I have a big fear of the dark and can’t go out at night on my own due to also fearing people and their intentions that I come across when I’m outside. I also don’t sleep too good but I can sleep through the day as I feel much safer once the sun is up.
  • I have to sleep with the TV on so that I can listen to the sounds rather than my own inner thoughts that usually are me worrying about the stupidest of things.
  • I constantly think about situations that happened years ago and about what I could have changed about them.
  • The thought of presentations is extremely daunting and if I have one coming up I will worry for weeks on end before it and also during.
  • If I’m in a public place such as a shop I get panic attacks. The lights turn bright and I feel weak and my head spins. I feel like I’m not really there or in control.
  • OCD also comes hand in hand with anxiety sometimes and I have many symptoms of this including the fact that I can only watch the TV if the volume is on an even number.
  • If it’s dark and a car pulls up in my street I will have heart palpations until it leaves or until I hear the driver enter their house, so I am sure that they are not coming to burgle my house or rape and murder me.
  • I get constant chest pains that make me feel like and believe I am having a heart attack.
  • I live an overly cautious life and also expect my partner to as well. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs and the thought of someone close to me smoking gives me nightmares.
  • If I have a job then when I’m working I’m worrying that I’m doing everything wrong and then when I’m not working I’m worrying about the next shift at work.
  • I have to travel to university and this can cause me many panic attacks. I will also take notice of everyone on the platforms and on the train and notice people that I deem ‘dodgy’ or ‘scary’ and will purposely steer clear.

Plus much more!

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life, Uncategorized

The Silent Witnesses

I have just had a video pop up on my Facebook with a girl being beaten up on public transport. The worst part was the fact a witness filmed the whole incident and there were many more people there, yet no one stepped in to help the poor girl.

Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario and I’m saying this from experience. Less than a year ago I was sexually assaulted on a train coming home from university. The male in question had me pinned to the side of the train trying to kiss me, tried putting his hand between my legs and even grabbed my hand and shoved it in his mouth. I shouted at him to stop. I shouted ‘no.’ People were looking – in fact the train was completely packed full of people, yet no one tried to help me. I went to the police, who had CCTV evidence but it only showed the tops of our heads because of the placement of the camera and no witnesses came forward. Due to this he completely got away with it, as the case was dropped due to ‘lack of evidence’ despite the DNA samples I gave.

Unbeknownst to him I actually suffer from depression and anxiety, so what he did completely broke me. I got nightmares that he was going to track me down and kill me and the thought of getting on another train left me with panic attacks. It took about a month for me to get back on a train as I had no other choice – I would have failed university otherwise and I couldn’t let him control my life. I still shake now when I’m on the train and never feel safe until I am off it and in my boyfriend’s car.

I hate him for what he did to me, but it isn’t just him that I remember. I still remember the faces of the people who stood by and did nothing. My dad was actually angrier at the witnesses than the guy, as they were the people who were meant to have morals and know right from wrong. He often states ‘what if it had been their child? How would they feel if a whole crowd of people sat back and allowed that to happen to their child?’ Are they just as guilty?

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halloween

Halloween Anxiety

So yesterday my sister dressed up as a corpse bride and I took her trick or treating around our local area. A few houses in we knocked on one door and waited and a lady opened the letter box, looked straight at my sister and shook her head ‘no thank you.’ My sister’s confidence was knocked straight away and she was so upset and embarrassed that she wanted to go home – she was nervous enough about knocking on random doors as it was. I knocked on the doors after for her but she still had lost the magical feeling and wasn’t into it anymore. One kind lady even gave her extra sweets in apology for the lady that knocked her back. Please consider the confidence of kids! I would much rather you ignore the door than answer it and embarrass my sister.

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