animals, cat, dogs

Replacements don’t work

When Mum decided to rehome our dog, Izzy, I was devastated. I was going through a grieving process, which I didn’t even realise was possible, considering she was rehomed, not dead, but I found out the fact of never seeing her again hurt just as much as the alternative. Mum couldn’t cope with Izzy. She didn’t like the ‘commitment’ of a dog. She didn’t like the fact she couldn’t go out and do as she pleased whenever she wanted anymore.

Mum’s way of apologising was by getting me a kitten to replace Izzy. I picked out a beautiful calico, which I named Bo. She cried the whole journey home and and was very shy, but she grew to trust us and we loved her.
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I still looked out for ‘the yellow van’ that I knew Izzy’s new owner owned, whenever I was out and I decided if I saw him I would confront him and take her back home with me. But I never saw him. Months went by and I learnt to cope without her. The replacement of Bo seemed to work and I forgot about Izzy, or so I thought…

It started at a car boot sale nearly three years later. Everyone was walking around, most of whom had dogs on leads walking next to them. I saw how happy they were and what I was missing out on. I looked down at my own empty hand and felt lost. From then on, I could feel tears prick my eyes every time I walked past a dog. I sunk into grief, would cry all the time. It was like there was a space in my heart needing to be filled.

Today, I still don’t have a dog. I still have that missing piece. But I have learnt a valuable lesson. You can’t just replace something you love.

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mum

Mum’s Biopsy

Mum is currently on her way to the hospital right now for a biopsy, due to the fact she keeps bleeding and they’ve found the lining of her womb to be too thick. They are going to check for any abnormalities and also for cancer.

She seems to think that she’s been given a death sentence already. She’s already told me that she would want me to live in Nan’s old house (my nan died 7 years back, but the house is still in the family, being rented out,) spoken to my sister about living arrangements, as she’s only 11 – She decided that she’d want to live with me and see her dad weekends, and Mum made me promise that if anything happens to her, to go on and live a full, happy life without her. She has also decided the fact that her friends are giving her presents and sending her sweet texts is a bad omen. I’m now rethinking the fact that I have bought her presents for her bravery for when she gets home.

I now have a long wait, as she and a few other women have been given the same time slot and whoever arrives first gets to have their procedure first, so she could go in straight away, or she could be waiting for an hour. The not knowing is the worst part. I’ve messaged her to let me know when it’s her time, but she hasn’t replied yet, so either hasn’t checked her phone or hasn’t got any signal.

The worst part is that I’m actually terrified. I’m sat here having panic attack after panic attack and crying, even though it’s pretty much a routine procedure. I know she’ll be home in a couple of hours, but it’s all so surreal and I can’t imagine ever having to face the prospect of losing my mum.

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life, Uncategorized

Sleepless Hotel

On the 29th of November, a friend and I spent the night in a hotel in Bath after going to a poetry event. It was meant to be a lovely evening – dinner together, poetry and then gossiping before going to sleep. The day started off amazing, other than the bitter wind burning our fingers as we tried deciphering the sat nav on my phone, but it all went downhill once we settled down for the night in the hotel. After discovering that we share the same favourite film (The Lion King,) we decided to put it on and have a little sing along. We were both laughing and singing along, when we heard a load of banging from the hallway. Two drunk people staggering to their room. All we could hear was the lady shouting ‘lock the door. Lock the door’ and within seconds we were listening to what could only be described as an amateur porno. I have never heard a lady moaning so loud in all of my life and I don’t mean as she orgasmed, I mean from start to finish! Fake, disgusting moans. To top it all off, it started just as Mufasa dies (spoiler there if you haven’t seen the film, sorry!) which makes me cry every single time and they totally ruined it for me. There was loads of banging happening at the same time too, like they were banging against walls, the floor, whatever, you name it. We had to pause the film so many times that half an hour later, we were still at the same scene. And then it finally stopped and went quiet. For five minutes. And then it started up AGAIN! A woman moaning as loud as possible, the guy swearing constantly. I didn’t know whether to barge into their room and punch their lights out or break down and cry with frustration. It was nearly midnight at this point and I had to get up for uni the next morning. They totally were wrecking my night and these vile people had no respect for anyone else. We tried phoning reception but we couldn’t get through, so instead we called out for them to shut up, which helped the situation quieten down for all of two seconds. They didn’t know who was in the room next to them, how did they know that there weren’t little children in our room? Little children who had to listen to them? How would a parent have explained that to their children? The only other excuse I can think of is that someone is being murdered and that answer is no better to tell a little child. We finally managed to fall asleep and when I woke up my friend was sat in bed on her laptop. “Why are you up so early?” Turned out she’d woken up them having sex AGAIN at 4am. I feel nothing but hate towards these vile people. They wrecked my favourite movie, kept up awake and had no respect for anyone else. So selfish. I had hoped that when we left our room that morning that we’d bump into them as we left, so we could give them a piece of our minds, but no such luck. I hope they both feel ashamed of themselves and I would call the lady a whore, but that name is too good for her!

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spider, Uncategorized

All because of a spider.

So a spider was found in my aunt’s garden and I wanted to know what type it was as it was much bigger than any I’d seen before. I put the picture into a craft group, which is known for allowing non craft related posts as long as they’re not offensive or networking in any way. My post got deleted, but it definitely wasn’t put there to offend anyone and for some reason I don’t think it’s something that would get me any sales. When I confronted about my post being deleted I got the reply that there are many people with phobias of spiders, well guess what? me too! but it’s still not exactly offensive. If phobias are the case then the group should be shut down, because at the end of the day there are so many phobias in this world that there is nothing you can post – I make things out of paper and I know that there are people with phobias of paper, especially the feel of it, so I guess that my business should be shut down! Ridiculous.

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animals, life

Sleep Tight Mr Pigeon

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So on Friday when my mum was walking home from work she came across this pigeon who had just been attacked by a cat. It had blood dripping from it, feathers surrounding it and it couldn’t fly. She sat on the ground next to it to protect it and rang me to come and help. I grabbed the cat carrier and came running down the road to save it.

I managed to catch it and shut it in the carrier. I could see that it had fang marks on it’s back between it’s wings and one eye missing. I took it straight to the vets for a check up where they found out that it had no broken bones but there was a big gash under one of it’s wings which they would need to look at.

I went home feeling happy that this pigeon had a chance but I rang up the next day to check on him and they had put him to sleep due to the gash under the wing. It had done more damage than they’d first realised and wouldn’t have been able to fly again.

I wish I could have saved him and pretty upset that I couldn’t but R.I.P Mr Pigeon.

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life

My life with anxiety

According to Vocabulary.com anxiety is: the vague, uneasy feeling you get when you’re dreading something. Anxiety can also be a permanent state of nervousness that some people with mental illnesses experience, a kind of milder version of panic.

The sort of anxiety I have is the mental illness kind, which gradually developed after I was diagnosed with depression. This causes me many issues, some which crop up daily and these include:

  • Panicking if the phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognise or a withheld number.
  • I have a big fear of the dark and can’t go out at night on my own due to also fearing people and their intentions that I come across when I’m outside. I also don’t sleep too good but I can sleep through the day as I feel much safer once the sun is up.
  • I have to sleep with the TV on so that I can listen to the sounds rather than my own inner thoughts that usually are me worrying about the stupidest of things.
  • I constantly think about situations that happened years ago and about what I could have changed about them.
  • The thought of presentations is extremely daunting and if I have one coming up I will worry for weeks on end before it and also during.
  • If I’m in a public place such as a shop I get panic attacks. The lights turn bright and I feel weak and my head spins. I feel like I’m not really there or in control.
  • OCD also comes hand in hand with anxiety sometimes and I have many symptoms of this including the fact that I can only watch the TV if the volume is on an even number.
  • If it’s dark and a car pulls up in my street I will have heart palpations until it leaves or until I hear the driver enter their house, so I am sure that they are not coming to burgle my house or rape and murder me.
  • I get constant chest pains that make me feel like and believe I am having a heart attack.
  • I live an overly cautious life and also expect my partner to as well. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs and the thought of someone close to me smoking gives me nightmares.
  • If I have a job then when I’m working I’m worrying that I’m doing everything wrong and then when I’m not working I’m worrying about the next shift at work.
  • I have to travel to university and this can cause me many panic attacks. I will also take notice of everyone on the platforms and on the train and notice people that I deem ‘dodgy’ or ‘scary’ and will purposely steer clear.

Plus much more!

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life, mum

Sometimes haven’t a cool mum isn’t so cool

My boyfriend has always said that he would much prefer a mum like mine to his, as his mum is very protective and mine is much more easy going and wanting me to get out and do things. She is in her 40s and just beginning to live her life now after having me at a young age and then being in a long term relationship, whereas his mum is settled down and married. Although there are so many benefits to a mum like mine, the weekends where Mum lets loose by going out and drinking with her mates can be a royal pain in the ass. Before she goes out there is a ton of asking me if she looks fat, checking her makeup, telling her what shoes go best, helping her pick out her jewellery etc and by the time she leaves I am exhausted. Tonight she came home drunk, talking loudly, walked upstairs to my bed and went to sleep on my arm. I sat in the same position until she woke up. She then decided she felt sick so I had to lock up the house, so I went downstairs and put the cats outside and locked up and went to go back to bed. But then she realised she didn’t have her phone so I had to go back downstairs to get her phone which she said was in her bag, but it wasn’t. Turned out it was in a different bag which she doesn’t normally use so I wouldn’t have known to look in it. Finally, I go to bed. Ten minutes later a missed phone call from my mum. I call out her name but she doesn’t reply so I tiredly get out of bed and go to her room where she is led in bed squinting at the bright screen of her phone. I ask her what she wants and turns out she ‘pressed the wrong button.’

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